I feel a bit unsettled and unsatisfied today. I'm not happy with today's performance. I'm a little too critical to myself? I'm not sure. For me it's not a good day. I'm happy to meet people who are very close to me today. I know it's the last day for the holiday and they chose to spend their time to me which makes me really happy. It's just I don't know why but I feel not I'm not being liked or something.

I want to share something. I was talking with a friend of mine and she kind of just switched some gears in my head and I can't help but sharing it here as well. People always say that in order to be happy, you need to stop listening or caring about what other people think about you and live your life like you want it to be. Uhm correct me if I'm wrong but I think this is a bit of a western ideology. She was asking me what I thought about her and our friend's image. Like what image do they give off. I told her that for me there is no malice in whatever they do. They're together as friends and I see nothing more than that. Why do I see them that way? because she told me her feelings about him and I know that is the truth. I would see them as what she says. I know how they look like and I know what kind of vibe they have as friends. Other people misinterpret that but I don't because she told me. I told her that what really matters is what she thinks. OK let me pause at this part.

This, in all honesty, is one of the hardest thing a Filipino person can truly achieve. She even confirmed what I thought by saying It's hard. I, in all honesty, agree with her because I need this advice myself. Without really thinking about it, I told her that there is nothing wrong in saying and thinking that it's hard. It's part of our culture. I told her that our friend isn't really like us because he grew up in South Africa then moved to Russia. He grew up in a place, that unlike us, aren't controlled. I'm not sure if anyone is taking this the wrong way. How do I say controlled? At a young age, our parents and environment tell us to be conscious of our surroundings. I'm not saying that in a positive way. It's our parents who are the ones who made us conscious of how others see us. We're too concerned of what they think that we started even thinking about how other people see us as well. If anyone wants to confront me about this please do so but I really believe that not everything our parents do, even if they think it's for the best, is not for our sake. They might even be doing it unconsciously but it's still their actions. I want to explain myself more but I think I've had enough of this topic for a little bit. I'll try to be ok tomorrow. It's a day off anyways. See you guys later.

ーメイコ